Hopefully
by CelticWomanJunkie
Summary: From Episode "Last Drive In." Lilly has some unexpected thoughts about Stillman...if only she knew what he was thinking about her! Will be a two-part story, one from Lilly's prospective, one from John's.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note:

First of all, I don't own Cold Case or any of the characters that exist within the show. Now that we have that obvious bit of business out of the way, I want to welcome you to my John/Lilly…ish fanfiction. If the idea disturbs you, it's probably best not to read it. In regards to Lilly's negative thoughts on Diane, remember that this is before they started bonding, when Diane was still being very high-handed with most everyone, especially Lilly. This is part one of two, and I would love to hear from you, so please review.

Hopefully

_Yates and Boss had a thing_. Lilly hadn't wasted much time letting Scotty know, it was like high school all over again. When you had this kind of dirt, you weren't gonna keep it to yourself. Petty and immature though it may have been, Lilly didn't feel like taking the high road. "A thing-thing?" Scotty had asked.

_No, a thing where they painted Easter eggs, _a sarcastic little voice in Lilly's head shot back. She didn't voice it because a bigger part of her brain didn't blame Scotty for clarifying, it was Stillman after all. He was not the kind of man who stepped out on his wife, he was not the kind of man that had sex with women like Diane Yates. He was above all that, or so Lilly thought.

It disturbed her because it had her brain spinning, made her wonder what other secrets John Stillman was hiding. Any detective worth their salt had the natural urge to snoop...their job just gave them a good excuse to act on that urge. Not that it was any of her business, it's not like she'd want her dirty laundry on view for the entertainment of the department. The problem was that human nature was human nature, and when you were curious, it didn't matter if it was your business or not...you still wanted to know. You added a cop's aforementioned inclination to get the bottom of things and boy, you had a potent combination.

She knew that Stillman's marriage had been on the rocks at the end, and he fell into the trap a lot of people did...drowning your sorrows with sex. Yates had probably wagged her tail enough times, and one night he might have said: "What the hell" and went for it. It was logical, but so unStillmanlike. The only time she'd seen him act affected by a woman was the one time his ex-wife showed up and he'd gotten all rattled.

Okay, it wasn't like Lilly hadn't realized there was a man underneath the Lieutenant Stillman part, all of them had a personal bond to the man that went beyond the job. He cared about them, they cared about him. They'd all hung out together off the clock, and the girl who had trust issues the size of Mexico trusted him completely. She may have let him down a few times, but he'd never let her down even once. But him having wild monkey sex? No way and now she found out that running around with Agent Cougar was what busted up his marriage.

"That's what she said," she assured Scotty. Diane Yates might be a lot of irritating things, but she didn't strike Lilly as the type to tell that kind of bald faced lie. "It broke up his marriage."

"Wow," was all Scotty could say. Yeah, wow. Steady as he goes Stillman going outside the colored lines like that.

He hadn't let her down now, she reminded herself sternly. Putting people up on pedestals was stupid and unfair. So many men in her life had done it to her, Joseph being the most recent. He'd made her more than she was and when she screwed up, he was done. Her best hadn't been enough, he'd wanted everything. She'd felt inadequate and messed up when he walked out on her, and it took her a long time to figure out that it hadn't been 100% her fault. If Joseph had really loved her then he would have given her a second chance, he would have met her half way. Yeah, she'd definitely made a mistake but that wasn't enough to walk out on someone you loved. He'd only loved the woman he thought she was.

And if she cared about Stillman then she wouldn't judge him, she wouldn't lose any of her respect for him. He'd made a mistake but he was human, of course he'd made mistakes. Still, it was freaky to think about and it put her on edge to that Diane was in his orbit again. Lilly wouldn't past her to put the move on 'Johnny', (ugh!) to use the _old times' sake_ card.

She didn't know why it bugged her so much, it's not like there would have been anything wrong with it this time around. Stillman was definitely single and maybe he was lonely. While not a stud or even handsome in the traditional sense, Lilly had always thought he had a certain appeal. While not young anymore, he was still in shape and virile. There was no reason he had to be a monk, there was no reason why he couldn't make plenty of women happy, why not Yates?

_She'll make hamburger out him, that's why_, Lilly thought to herself, half relieved to have concrete justification. Boss had a heart of gold, that much hadn't changed and Agent Cougar didn't strike Lilly as the type to give a crap. She'd be all over him to butter him up and keep her on the F.B.I's side, but the minute she didn't need him, she'd dump his ass in a New York minute. Obviously, the last time around they hadn't lasted.

Since when did John Stillman mix business with pleasure, anyway? Lilly forced herself not to scowl but her eyes narrowed nonetheless. Close though they might have been, Stillman had never once flirted with her, never even gave her an appreciative glance. She might as well have looked like Vera for all the attention he'd ever paid her. Not, of course, that she wanted him to be interested in her...it was just the point. She was a woman, wasn't she? It wasn't that she wanted him to hoot and holler (although the image wouldn't hold up anyway) or try to get her in bed, but a young, attractive woman should count for something.

_Maybe not so young, _a little voice taunted. She was in her early 40's, and a quick guess told her she wasn't that much younger than Yates. Olay products could only do so much, time was every woman's enemy. How long before her age started actively showing? The gallons of coffee and late nights were going to start showing too. While Lilly would have liked to believe herself above vanity, that she was all cop, she wasn't. She liked to look good as much as any other woman.

_Young compared to boss_, she maintained silently but fiercely, not wanting to dwell on her age. When she was a kid, he'd already made detective, probably recently promoted. Everyone assumed she saw Stillman through a daughter's eyes, and although she was devoted to him and admired him, she realized that she didn't see him as a father. As a mentor, for sure, but her daddy issues didn't extend to John.

As she mused, Scotty returned to his own paperwork, leaving her to her thoughts. He probably thought she was thinking about case related stuff, and that was more than fine with her. She barely understood her own train of thought, she'd never be able to explain it to anyone else. She glanced at her Latino partner, affection stirring within. If anyone on the team ever crossed the line, she supposed logically it'd be her and Scotty. They were close, and he wasn't that much younger. In the early days of their partnership, they'd flirted occasionally, and Lilly had nursed a tiny crush on him. Nothing serious, just appreciating old-fashioned chemistry. It hadn't stopped her from having a brief and over-rated thing with Kite, and she'd never really expected anything to come from it.

Admittedly, it added salt in the wound when Scotty had sex with her flake of a baby sister, and Lilly's crush had died an angry death. Of course, her and Scotty's friendship was strong enough to survive and flourish, and Lilly was even willing to admit in retrospect she'd overreacted. (Well, she wouldn't have admitted it to him, but to herself.) Still, the days of flirting were over. All the same, she was more likely to hook up with Scotty than anyone else in the group.

She saw Yates railroad Boss away from Kat, who looked annoyed. No one would ever lay bets on Lilly and Stillman hitting the sheets, of course they wouldn't. The idea was absurd...wasn't it? Her throat went dry and eyes wide when it didn't seem so stupid.

_It would be twisted, _Lilly insisted to herself. She'd known him...well, forever. He'd been the detective on the scene when she'd earned her 49...she'd been only ten friggin' years old. _Wasn't like he was your godfather, you didn't see him for years after the case got closed..._an annoying little voice reminded her. When they crossed paths again, eleven years later, of course they'd both remembered, but by tactic agreement, never brought it up directly. He respected it was a sore topic, John would never intentionally hit a raw nerve.

_Stick to Stillman or boss, _she ordered her brain. She could just imagine how awkward it would be if she slipped up one day. "Morning, did you want to see me, John?" She'd never called him by his first name, everyone else she did, but never the boss. He hadn't made it to where he had in life by being unobservant, he'd pick up on it in a New York minute. Come to think of it, anyone else would, too. Didn't want to give anyone the wrong idea, especially since there was nothing to get ideas about.

No, Stillman wasn't her type, not in any way shape or form. She didn't date older men, if anything her type ran slightly younger. Slightly, never drastically. She wasn't shallow, some of her boyfriends were merely average, Joseph and Patrick fell into that category. In bed, she tended to be the sexual aggressor, whatever the dynamics had been previously. Being in bed with Stillman would be too tricky, how could she get naked with someone she'd worked beside for twenty plus years?

_Easy, after some making out you take off your clothes, he takes off his...pretty simple, actually. _Lilly almost smacked her own head to stop the inappropriate thoughts, but Scotty would probably wonder why and she didn't feel like explaining. She shouldn't have been able to actually picture going to bed with Joh-Stillman, but she could...easily enough. She was trying not to wonder what he'd be like as a lover. They said it was the quiet ones you had to watch out for and in Lilly's experience, it tended to be true. But she was pretty sure she'd never find out from firsthand experience, and she certainly wasn't going to pump Miss Classified for info.

She couldn't help wondering, if circumstances were different, if her and Stillman worked different PD's, if they would have ever hit it off that way. He would have understood her, he would never have left her. The question was, would he have been enough? Would she have blown it, chasing after the eternal pipe dream that was Ray?

_Stupid, stupid, stupid thoughts! _Lilly growled internally. This was beyond lame and pointless.

"Lil, you okay?" Scotty questioned, a little amused. "I know Yates is kind of like nails plus chalkboard-"

"Fine, I'm fine. However not?" Lilly all but snapped. She wasn't mad at Scotty, more at herself because he'd obviously picked up on her mood and now she was giving more of herself away. Thankfully, he misread the root of her irritation.

"'Cause you look like you want to chuck a table at somebody?" Scotty teased.

Lilly ignored him, choosing to look instead at the exchange between Yates and Stillman instead. When they turned to stare at her, in light of her bizarre train of thought, she was unnerved. For a paranoid second, she wondered if Diane could read minds, and discounted it. If she had, Agent Cougar would have been all over her ass about the things she'd been thinking earlier, something about where she could shove her the F.B.I. attitude and how far. The blonde detective definitely knew boss couldn't read minds, so she was safe...hopefully.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note:

This is part two of this little story...the last part, and darn, I still don't own anything to do with Cold Case. I had fun warming up for larger stories and look forward to submitting more stories to the Cold Case section. I'd love to hear your feedback, what you didn't like as well as the good. (Except the pairing itself, there's nothing I can do for you there.)

Hopefully

_Oh, Diane, you sure know how to charm a group, _John Stillman mused to himself with a wry smile. From the first time he'd ever met her, she'd always been ready to flash her claws, not a people pleaser by a long shot. Maybe it was her comfort zone or maybe it came from trying to survive in a man's world. Whatever the cause, his crew was about ready to throw her out a window...after "accidentally" forgetting to open it. Diplomacy and tact were things Diane never had time for and it was never long before she was rubbing some poor soul the wrong way.

_Certainly didn't rub you wrong, did she, you old fool? _His thoughts were full of self-deprecation but a little amusement as well, and he tried to push them aside and concentrate on the case Miller was discussing. It wasn't terribly important, pretty open and shut but it seemed wrong not to listen. With that in mind, it was nonetheless easier said than done. Diane breezing into his office had old memories crashing in on his head, opened up a chapter about a bizarre detour in his well-ordered life.

Diane had been a force of nature, barreling into his house of cards. Beautiful, dangerous, she'd been more temptation than he could handle. _Wanted to handle, _he corrected himself. John was a man who strove for honesty, tried to own up to his mistakes. There was no denying she'd been a mistake, but one that had ultimately been worth it. She'd made him feel alive, given him something to smile about, he hadn't expected it to last. His marriage had been falling apart at the seams anyway; his indiscretion had been that proverbial straw.

He would never hold their affair against her; he'd even say he missed her. Not because he was in love with her, although he did like her in spite of herself. They'd always understood each other on a basic level and he got a kick out of her lack of social graces. He just wished she hadn't run away all those years ago.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Lilly talking with Scotty. He didn't doubt that Diane had dropped the bombshell about their affair; she was always one for shock value. He hadn't exactly knocked himself out trying to stop her; he just let nature take its course. Surprisingly, he didn't give a damn if anyone knew or not. He wasn't exactly proud of it, but he actually got a little kick of his team finding out that he wasn't some asexual made of stone. He was the boss, he was at the helm, and he had to be steady. He loved his team and knew they loved him right back in their own way, but some days, even when they weren't smashing their way through the rules, they made him feel like a hundred.

But he wasn't a hundred and maybe it did everybody good to remember that once in a while...especially her.

Oh, yes, it did Lilly Rush some good to be thrown off guard once in a while, did her good to have to look twice and maybe wonder a little bit. He had to admit, he'd wondered about her, thought about her more than he should have. It was nothing he'd ever let be a problem, it was nothing he'd ever let her see. It was his little secret, something too private even for confession.

What everybody probably knew was that she was his favorite, that he watched over her with pride and respect. He'd been tough on her when she'd made mistakes because he'd known what she was capable of. There had been only one time he'd held a grudge; proof he had a petty streak. He was more ashamed of that memory than his tryst with Diane; he saw that as more of a weakness in character than sins of the flesh turned out to be.

It hadn't been that he'd been so unprofessional to let those hidden feelings cloud his judgment; it hadn't been jealousy over some misguided infatuation that had his anger rearing its ugly head. Professional disappointment was one thing, but she'd put herself in danger...again. The wound that George had left on his soul had never really healed, and Lilly waltzing off to an old abandoned farm hit too close to home. He could have forgiven her for putting the case on the line with a few stern words and a few days behind a desk to teach her a lesson, he would have let it go at that. But putting herself at risk without a regard for anyone else if not herself? He hadn't been about to let her off the hook so easily.

She was a smart girl, she'd known enough to be worried that day in his office when he took her to task. He'd wanted to yell at her until he was hoarse, wanted to shake her into understanding that she wasn't bulletproof, that she should have known that already. He'd kept it calm, kept it cold, that was what was allowed him and he made the most of it. He'd gotten to her; she'd been half sick sitting in that chair, been half sick listening to his words, because she hated disappointing him. Normally, it would be enough to soften him, but not that day. He'd paid her back for twisting him up inside with dread over imagining what could have happened if her instincts had been wrong, and he'd made her pay for a long time.

He almost cringed at the memory.

"Boss?" Kat questioned, an eyebrow quirked. "You still with the rest of us?"

He didn't try to bluff his way out of it, you had to pick your battles when dealing with a bunch of bloodhounds."Sorry, Kat, bad coffee, too little sleep. You were saying?"

Mischief glittered in her dark eyes. "No problem, thanks for a future alibi, though."

He was game enough to smile, his gray eyes twinkling. "I'd watch your step, I hear your boss is the dictator type."

"Put in a good word for me?" she teased.

"Well, with your attitude, won't be easy."

Kat was about to chime in with more banter when they were interrupted by everyone's favorite agent. He took the lead, hoping for a smooth sailing situation. "Diane, I want you to meet another member of my team, Kat Miller."

If this was a world where John didn't need two aspirin or a stiff drink at the end of the day, Diane would have shaken Kat's hand and made small talk. Since this was a world where John needed one or the other, she didn't. "Can I talk to you?" She acted like Kat wasn't even there when she made that demand, not even close to a request.

He paused a beat, trying to assess the situation. He might be willing to indulge Diane, a sort of 'old times' sake thing, but whatever it was, he wasn't prepared to throw his people under a bus for her.

"Nice to meet you, too," Kat groused, walking off. Maybe it was his imagination, but he could have sworn he did see her look consideringly at a window.

"You promised to keep me in the loop." He wasn't about to look like a fool in front of the department, and wanted that one on the table.

"I will," she promised. "But first I need Rush to walk me through the scene."

_Well, _he couldn't help but think, _this should prove interesting. _Hopefully they would play nice...well, as much as could be expected. They were two alpha females in each other's territory.

Some would say that Diane and Lilly were two of a kind, that maybe his less than admirable fixation on Detective Rush was because she reminded him of his old flame. The idea had briefly crossed John's mind a long time ago, but he'd decided, after objectively studying it, that it didn't hold water. Certainly, on the surface, they had a lot in common. Strong women, trying to win ground in a male dominated field, both beautiful, both had painful issues they buried deep, but not deep enough to occasionally give them away.

John had a knack for seeing under the surface and had spent a lot of time around both of them. There were a thousand little differences, all part of what made a person who they were. What made them laugh, what caused a flicker of irritation, what they'd brush off and put up with, what they'd risk and why.

John never would risk his relationship with Lilly, even if it wasn't exactly all of what he wanted, on sex. Maybe because he was older and more cautious, maybe because he was happier with being a lonely workaholic than he was being married to Rita. No, it was more than just that. Beautiful Lilly might have been a temptation, one that sometimes had a starring role in his dreams, but she was a safe one. She was still young enough to find herself a loving partner, why settle for an old, bald lieutenant whose big excitement was a jog every morning and some basketball with the old-timers on the weekend? Even if she was, what they had was too precious to him to risk.

With Diane, maybe it was worth another risk. He still had time, he could use some companionship. It wouldn't be love, it wouldn't be exactly what he needed, but he was past the point where any of that mattered. At this stage of life, in this profession, you had to take what you could get. This time, though, his head would be clear, the decision would be made for the right reasons.

There would be no regrets...hopefully.


End file.
